LTandRaptorider
03-10-2004, 07:19 AM
Forrest Gump's Mom was Wrong
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
Life is like a jar of jalapeņos.
What you do today
May burn your *** tomorrow.
~*~*~*~*~
Tracking Cows
Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing
that our government can track a cow born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to where she sleeps
in the state of Washington. Also, they track her
calves to where they sleep; BUT they are unable to
locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around
the United States!!
~*~*~*~*~
Supersex
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in
a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the
hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."
~*~*~*~*~
Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart's recipe for chicken casserole is boil the
chicken in water, then dump the stock.
~*~*~*~*~
Why?
How come when you mix water and flour together
you get glue..
and then you add eggs and sugar...
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go?
Need an answer?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake...
Stick to your BUTT
Another one...Jim and Edna>
> >
> > Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
> One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
>Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
>and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
>bottom and pulled Jim out.
> >
> > When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he
> > immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now
> > considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the
>news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is
>you're
>being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
>jumpi! ng in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that
>your act displays a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you
>saved,
>hung himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe belt in the
>bathroom. I am so sorry, but he is dead.
> >
> > Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.
> >
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
Life is like a jar of jalapeņos.
What you do today
May burn your *** tomorrow.
~*~*~*~*~
Tracking Cows
Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing
that our government can track a cow born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to where she sleeps
in the state of Washington. Also, they track her
calves to where they sleep; BUT they are unable to
locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around
the United States!!
~*~*~*~*~
Supersex
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in
a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the
hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."
~*~*~*~*~
Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart's recipe for chicken casserole is boil the
chicken in water, then dump the stock.
~*~*~*~*~
Why?
How come when you mix water and flour together
you get glue..
and then you add eggs and sugar...
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go?
Need an answer?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake...
Stick to your BUTT
Another one...Jim and Edna>
> >
> > Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
> One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
>Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
>and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
>bottom and pulled Jim out.
> >
> > When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he
> > immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now
> > considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the
>news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is
>you're
>being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
>jumpi! ng in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that
>your act displays a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you
>saved,
>hung himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe belt in the
>bathroom. I am so sorry, but he is dead.
> >
> > Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.
> >
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